aware of me
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: On the way home from a challenge, Ritsuka asks to walk to a convenience store…and an another unexpected question arises.


**fandom: Loveless**  
**title: aware of me.**  
**pairing: Soubi + Ritsuka**  
**rating: pg**  
**description: ****On the way home from a challenge, Ritsuka asks to walk to a convenience store…and an another unexpected question arises.**

**Disclaimer – Loveless belongs to Kouga Yun.**

**aware of me.  
by miyamoto yui  
**

Holding onto my bleeding arm, I asked, "Do you believe that there's a melody that only the two of us have?"

I realized what I'd just said, a moment being off guard as the blood drained away cautiously. I looked over at you and unexpectedly, you had your hands behind your head while watching the sky above us. This was not the question that I expected to ask on the trek back 'home'. Then again, what was I supposed to understand anyway?

What was on your mind that I couldn't even predict the answer, nor control my own curiosity for it?

Still gazing up at the flames that were filling the sky from behind us, you answered flatly, "Such a romantic question."

I was sad and immediately regretted that I blurted out such a trivial thing. I didn't know what I wanted at that moment, but it was clear that I was slowly breaking up all the walls of messed up, hardened canvases within my heart, but making them even more incomprehensible to you.

Though my pure intention was something quite soft and innocent, it contrasted with your deep, contemplative voice. Though it was scratchy and serious as usual, somehow I felt that it betrayed me.

The worst thing you can do to the one you care for is to disappoint them.

Your eyes wandered to the side to watch for my reaction. And without a mirror, I could see through you that my face was being honest: Crushed.

Then again, I was no good with solid words, just the ones to explain in double meanings. This fault alone amplified the other defects I could no longer hide from you.

But then I looked at the burnt gloves I wore for the first time today. You gave them to me and so I picked the first day I could casually use them. The not-so-perfect extended hands, defected by pairs of people and not by genes.

It seemed so strange. All the other times we were like this, we were either shouting or quiet the whole way back. And then suddenly, you just said, "We should go to the store before heading back."  
The day had already run out and he tried to act like his mother wouldn't do anything. But inside, despite all the challenges in the world, that and the memories of Seimei were the hardest.

Yes, we were just going to the store, something quite ordinary. Why did we think of the deepest things when we were inside of ourselves doing rudimentary tasks in the everyday world?

I'd often thought of all the instances you went home without me.  
What did you think of when you left me? What did you think of when you came back to me? What did you think about when it's me who's going away from you?

Did it make any difference if I came back to you or not?  
How fragile life really was. The only things that kept us together were memories, feelings, and promises. But none of them were 'real', only as much as we believed in them.

Then, without another word, you walked on without me.

I stopped as you stepped further and further away, as if trying to catch the sunset that was long gone and getting away from me at the same time.

That cruel part of me covered my heart again, tightening all over it like the now-torn-and-burned gloves that covered my hands. I closed my eyes, unable to look at you, and suddenly said, "What am I supposed to say to you after all that? I am no good at comforting anyone. I can't even take care of myself."

When I opened my eyes, I was ready for you to hit me, but your hands became fists and you were determined to walk even faster, farther and farther away from me.

There were no lights by the river and the greenery, so I could no longer see your face in the darkness.

"You don't know anything!"

Without you knowing, I looked down guiltily at the floor and then to your receding shadow. I couldn't say those things deep inside of me.

They were sick. They were twisted. They were very true. They were straight from a 'me' that even I didn't know existed after I met you.

Soul. Heart. They could not ever be one. One always had to dominate the other at some point in life.  
If you went with your soul, you gave up your heart. And if you followed your heart, you gave away your soul. Though it was only natural in this world, civilization polluted these natural things with their 'views', whatever they were.  
And so, you could not ever think straight.

Love is love, but not with certain people. The soul is the soul, but not in certain situations.  
Only applicable or else, you are dubbed 'n/a'.

Not available at this time.

But time had nothing to do with it!

I too was a child, just your age. Sometimes, I just happened to understand what adults did but then most of the time, I didn't want to because I would forget one and become the other.

To love unconditionally. To be loved purely.  
These are two very different things.

And even with all my powers, there was nothing I could touch to prove one or the other or to prove to myself one or the other was stronger so that that indecision would finally stop tormenting me.

Your mother couldn't understand because she was your mother, but I knew well what you wanted though you couldn't articulate it. I intentionally wouldn't have answered if you did.

The thing that all people want? They want to be reassured. They want to be appreciated for what they do. And these two things alone have such a great force and power on who we are and what we have to do, especially whom we care for.

You and I are the same but we wouldn't say it. It would betray each of our prides.

I know this. I know this so well! You don't understand I am torn because I know you are special and I can only watch you grow up.

I can touch but cannot really get inside.  
I can see but not really watch as I want to.  
I can do everything but do what is so natural for me to love someone.

And what do I do? Wait?  
And what do you do? Grow up without thinking of me?

That's more painful than knowing you'll always wait for me. Shamefully, it makes me so happy when you're angry or jealous for my sake.

In a quiet voice, my heart cringed when I said, hoping you wouldn't hear me, "I assure you that I made that melody long before you were aware of the existence of songs."

The fading footsteps stopped.  
No matter how very far away you were from me, you had heard me.

I knew you would run back to me and I was ready to run away.  
And even more,

I wanted to be chased while you were still  
Aware of me.

**Owari.**

**Author's note: **I just had this feeling of Soubi in my head and it was pounding to come out of my heart. It was really distressing because I didn't know what to write about, but just that strong feeling.

These days, I feel inspired to write because I want to say so many things that I can't tell anyone.

Compared to the other Loveless fics, I felt that the style is less flashy, but I feel that out of all of them, my feelings were the hardest to write for this one.

Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,  
Yui

10/9/2007 7:03:24 AM


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